


Submission

by AlmostHuman



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst, Boys in Chains, Break Them by Talking, Detention induced humiliation, Distrust, Dubious Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, God Complex, Hannibal Lecture - Freeform, Just Reward for Light's Megalomania, Lies, M/M, Obession, Sexual Tension, Solitary Confinement, Stockholm Syndrom (kind of...), Uncomfortable Truths, occasional philosophical chats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 23:18:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9095035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostHuman/pseuds/AlmostHuman
Summary: Everything goes according to Light's will. Even if he is arrested and held in solitary confinement, it is his own plan, and of course he pulls all the strings. He knows what he is able to bear and how he will react in every situation. At least, that's his believe. But L has some very special interrogation methods in his repertoire, that Light had not taken into account. However, they are both able to play with extended rules.





	1. Humiliation

_ Day 1, Evening _

 

The shackles on his wrist and ankles had started to hurt only after a few hours. In Light’s opinion, they were completely useless. But he would let L have it his way, since it would not help Ryuuzaki anyhow. In Light’s cell, nothing could serve as a seat, there was nothing he could lean against, not one piece of comfort that would make his detention a bit more bearable. The ubiquitous, pale blue light flickered and a faint humming noise was the only sound interfering with the heavy silence.

 

Light was sure he had mentally prepared for any eventuality coming his way. Solitary confinement was one of the more efficient torture methods, developing hallucinations and anxiety states was not unusual. The human brain wasn’t meant to be restricted of all social and almost every sensory stimuli. But still, he was sure that most of the symptoms were caused by the fact that the duration of imprisonment was usually incalculable for the victim, and that was his advantage. He knew he had to be released as soon as Rem chose a successor for Kira. And Rem would not dare to leave Misa where she was. The only thing Light needed was a bit of patience.

 

He stared upwards into the neon light and wondered how much time might have passed with him cowering alone on the floor, only accompanied by Ryuuk, who had not come up with anything but complaining about being bored. And Light could not even silence him. If the gods were really that shallow, Light was not sure whether this really should be Kira’s ideal. A small smile crept up his face.

 

“Light.” The voice from the speaker cracked.

 

“Ryuuzaki?” Light was surprised by his own voice. It didn’t sound as soft as it usually did, as if it had been corroding already after such a short amount of time. “What is it?”

 

“You must be hungry.”

 

The damn bastard had been sitting in front of his screen for hours stuffing himself with sweets for sure. How courteous of him to remember someone else needed food. Despite Light not actually being hungry at the moment, a little change of pace would surely not do any harm. “It might be a good idea to eat a bit. I had so much on my mind, I might have forgotten about it. Thank you.”

 

An indeterminable amount of time passed without an answer. Light wondered whether Ryuuzaki’s comment was ever an offer or whether he was just teasing in the first place. Because now, after he had started to think about food, he realized a meal was long overdue.

 

“Light-kun! You can’t imagine what I’d be willing to do for a sweet juicy apple right now!” Ryuuk laughed huskily. “Mhhh... Just thinking about it, my mouth starts watering. Maybe I’ll just finish you off to get one. Eh? What do you think?”

 

Light heaved a resigned sigh and answered, while he tried to appear as if he were talking to himself. “The longer one waits, the bigger the reward will be, I guess. They wouldn’t let me starve in here.” Actually, he was not too sure about that. Maybe the detective would try to get a confession by torturing him. Certainly, the policemen would not allow that to happen... as long as L had not already kicked them out from the observations. Light’s throat felt tight. In his current position he had no influence over that. He took a deep breath and called to mind that it had been the will of God that had brought him to this place. Which was, in fact, his own will. Even if he gave up on all control on the surface, he was still holding all of the threads in his own hands. Everything went according to his plan. And then his stomach growled.

 

An unexpected, loud creak startled him. The heavy metal door leading to his cell opened slowly. He had expected one of L’s henchmen to place a tray in his cell and open his handcuffs, but he had been mistaken. For L to play the butler himself was unexpected. He probably feared another member of the Kira task force might divulge something about the state of the investigations. Any other reason for him to let go of his screens was beyond Light’s comprehension. 

 

The sight of the detective holding a tray in his hand was odd. As usual, his back was so crooked, as if somebody had broken his spine again and again a long time ago. The image of a broken spine irritated Light, it seemed logical to him, even if just metaphorically, it felt right. He did not know anything about L’s past, but there had to be a reason for his strangely anti-social behavior and the dark circles under his eyes. But it did not matter anyway. It was not supposed to matter. The only thing of importance was L’s future, especially that said future was not going to last very long.

 

“Light-kun, I hope I didn’t make you wait,” said L unhurriedly and placed the tray in front of the bare feet of his convict.

 

Rice, fish and renkon next to a bowl of miso soup —nothing special, but because of Light's rumbling stomach the sight of this simple dish was temptatious . However, he decided to hide the fact that L’s obvious delaying tactics had any impact on him. He smiled weakly, as if he was demoralized by the thought that he might in fact be Kira. “No, of course not. Thanks.”  _ For nothing _ .

 

L crouched in his habitual unhealthy position in front of him and looked curiously into his main suspect’s eyes for an uncomfortably long moment.

 

At first, Light wondered what he might be waiting for. Then he realized that it was a rather difficult task to eat with his hands tied behind his back, and that the detective had to know that just as good as he did. But of course L did not bring that topic up by himself. The meal smelled divine and was about to get cold. 

 

“Well, Ryuuzaki…” Light shrugged apologetically. “I can’t eat like this.” Why not play along L’s little farce if he insisted? But a terrifying second long Light imagined L would make him eat on his knees with the hands still tied behind his back—he would rather starve to death.

 

“Oh, sorry. I’m afraid I cannot uncuff you, so…” Ryuuzaki grabbed the chopsticks and for a moment Light believed he might now eat the meal himself while making Light watch. “What would you like first? The soup?”

 

Light stared at the chopsticks in Ryuuzaki’s hand. He had an insanely strong urge to yell at L. Why the hell couldn’t he open the shackles for ten goddamn minutes when the detective was standing right next to him anyway? Did he seriously expect Kira to kill with his bare hands, just with the help of some absurd Ninjutsu gesture? But of course that was not the reason why. The point was that L hoped to peel away Lights façade to catch a glimpse of Kira. Light tried to hide his facial expression with an awkward smile. 

 

“Why... why not?” Once again his voice sounded rusty, barely like he remembered it.

 

Ryuuzaki had this odd smile that, to Light, had always felt strangely learned and incredibly unnatural. Now, it looked a bit frightening in his eyes. The detective took the bowl and, still crouching, padded a step closer to his convict to help him eat. With an iron stare, Kira, God of the New World, looked into his enemy’s eyes and allowed him to assist sip by sip. A single drop of soup ran down the corner of his mouth and Ryuuzaki placed the bowl back on the tray. Once again he apologized, and the single word seemed to be used simply to mock Light. With a halfhearted gesture he reached for Lights face. A slender pale thumb wiped away the drop of liquid from his lips. Just minutes ago Light had decided to play along this silly little game without losing his patience. Now, this plan eroded slowly under this noticeably cold hand.

 

Unintentionally, Light’s gaze wandered off towards the surveillance camera for a millisecond, but of course Ryuuzaki noticed it. “Don’t worry. It is late evening already. All the members of the task force already went home a long time ago.”

 

Light wondered what the policemen would say if they found L’s motionless body in his cell in the morning because Light had rammed a chopstick through his nose right into his brain. Finally, they would have evidence for Kira being able to kill people by other means than heart attacks.

 

Ryuuzaki turned to the tray again. “I could inform you when nobody but me is watching you. Surely, you might then feel a bit more comfortable when…” Seemingly random his eyes turned towards the plain metal toilet in the corner of the room.

 

Light felt his face turn hot and galled about it.  He felt more angry about his opponent's audacity than embarrassed. After all he had been aware that he wouldn't be spared this humiliation. But this was nothing compared to his plan, only meaningless, unimportant sacrifices. And he had expected L to see that the same way and spare them both this derogatory act. “We are all just human beings,” he feigned although he knew it was not true.

 

Behind him, he heard a familiar sound he was not allowed to react to — Ryuuk’s laughter. If just he wasn’t here. In this situation every witness was too much, even one whose discretion was ensured.

 

“Fish? Or rice?” The innocently spoken words spoiled Light’s appetite.

 

“Fish, please.”

 

He observed L parting the mackerel into bite-sized pieces with astonishing speed and hold one of them out to Light who had to lean forward to reach it.

 

“I see it as my duty”, started Ryuuzaki, “to ensure your physical health during the time of incarceration. After all there is a one percent chance of you two being innocent. I am well aware of the dangers of this kind of custody, the physical as well as the psychological ones. Vision disorders, cognitive derogations, Stockholm syndrome…”

 

Light choked over his food and coughed.

 

L put a bit of rice on his chopsticks and continued talking impassively. “That’s why I am always attainable through the microphones and cameras installed. If you want to talk. Or confess.”

 

Light wondered whether he had said something similar to Misa and felt a subtle sting. This was strange considering Misa was of absolute insignificance for him, except that she was a more than mild annoyance. “I already told you, Ryuuzaki. Should I really be Kira, I wouldn’t be aware of it. Therefore, I couldn’t confess. If I killed while sleeping…”

 

L hold another piece of mackerel against his lips, so he was not able to continue without swallowing it first.

 

“When I first saw Amane Misa…” Ryuuzaki placed a thumb to his lips; it was the same thumb that had touched Light’s lips before, “I was baffled. Watching Light-kun though the surveillance cameras I came to the impression he surely should have a different taste in women. Probably, Yagami Light would like women that were not only as good-looking as himself, but also just as self-controlled and socially adjusted.” 

 

Light found his taste in women to be nothing of Ryuuzaki’s business, yet before he could change the subject L held some renkon in front of his lips. 

 

“But when I rethink that it makes even more sense. Certainly, Light would like women to be not as self-controlled because then he  _ himself _ couldn’t control them. Amane Misa, on the other hand, does everything he says for sure. You can train her without any effort.” Ryuuzaki bit his lower lip and stared at the ceiling absentmindedly as if he was completely alone. Still, he managed to fish for some tofu in the miso soup without even looking. 

 

“Surely, Light would also love to raise a little puppy, wouldn’t he?” 

 

Light had a hard time suppressing a grin because Ryuuzaki had just compared Misa to a dog without caring about manners or hurting anyone’s feelings. 

 

“It must be fun when another living being is completely and utterly at your mercy.” Ryuuzaki lowered the chopsticks and his gaze returned to his main suspect, head slightly tilted. His eyes were so dark as if they were lacking the ability to reflect the light of the neon lamp but instead absorbed it all into an abyss. Combined with the dark circles under his eyes and his typical odd smile he seemed to be enraptured. 

 

With a tinge of dread Light wondered whether this was Ryuuzaki’s way of expressing enthusiasm. 

 

“I, myself, deem that to be a very interesting experience.”

 

Had Light really feared that food deprivation was the greatest danger during his confinement less than an hour ago?  Again, a lump of rice hovered in front of him, but his mouth was now dry and his lips rough. “I’m not hungry any longer,” he said quietly.

 

L’s hand stayed where it was. “I already told you I would care for the physical well-being of my main suspects. The amount of nutrition you had so far does not correspond to your actual needs. Eat.”

 

For one minute they stared each other in the eye without one of them shying away. Light reminded himself that often one had to sacrifice lesser things for the greater good; that he   _ had _ already sacrificed way more important things that must not be in vain.

  
He ate his rice.


	2. Blasphemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took forever, because I felt very insecure about the translation. Luckily, I now have some beta support! Yeah! Thanks to sprosslee and Strifenheart, beta heros with a cape.

_ Day 2, morning _

 

Ryuuzaki had claimed Light’s last meal had been in late evening. Even if that was true, the detective had not deemed it necessary to grant him some darkness at nighttime. It took a long time for Light’s chaotic thoughts to calm enough for him to find at least a little sleep—just to be woken up after what felt like ten minutes. 

 

“Light-kun, are you up already?”

 

Light hardly could hardly imagine anything worse than seeing L’s face hanging a few inches above his own first thing in the morning. He classified his question as an open provocation because the answer was quite obvious. “What time is it?”

 

Still, Ryuuzaki had impudently not yet moved, so Light was not even able to get into a sitting position. Probably nobody had ever taught L that something like an interpersonal comfort zone or a privacy bubble existed. “The investigation team will arrive in one hour. Enough time for breakfast.”

 

How many meals per day would Light receive? Two? Maybe three? He had calculated to stay imprisoned for about thirty days. That meant Ryuuzaki would feed him about sixty to ninetey times, like they were a teenage couple on Valentine’s Day. He tried to sit up, but that proved to be difficult because L did not back off and Light, of course, was still constrained. Trying to swing his legs out of the bed he blacked out. He would have lost his balance if Ryuuzaki hadn’t grasped his arm astoundingly tight to hold him in place. That short moment of weakness was surely the result of Light’s sleep deprivation, as well as the little amount of free movement he had.

 

“Are you alright?” L’s voice sounded honestly worried, and this honesty in particular angered Light tremendously.

 

“I just slept a few hours, which seems only natural if you have just been placed under arrest. It’s goddamn early and my limbs feel numb because my blood circulation has nearly been cut off. What do you expect?” Light himself was surprised by the emphasis in his voice, that was pretty unusual for him. But looking back at it he found it to be quite fitting of the situation. 

 

“According to my observations you pretended to be asleep for four hours and actually slept one hour and fourty-seven minutes. From time to time, such short spans of resting time are acceptable even for a normal human and should not harm your health. Furthermore, it was you who asked to be imprisoned.” Ryuuzaki seemed to wait for an answer eagerly. 

 

Light was well aware that a discussion on the conditions of his confinement — especially those damn shackles — would lead into a dead end and not achieve anything. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Maybe I‘m just not an early bird.” Light softened his tone to end the conversation. Meanwhile, he sat on his metal cot in a more relaxed position, even if it was way too hard for the thin futon.

 

Ryuuzaki took a tray from the floor and placed it between him and Light. From a small plastic box, he poured nattou onto some rice and stirred the sticky beans methodically. Next to it, there was a pyramid of approximately fifteen mochi: pink cherry blossom flavoured ones, green matcha ones and plain white ones. “When thinking back to the time I observed you at home, I would say Yagami Light is the sort of person you would normally call an early bird. Unless he changed his habits during that time because he was aware of the cameras in his house.” 

 

Light closed his eyes and heaved a resigned sigh. “Well, then I am an early bird.”

 

Ryuuzaki fed him a bit of rice with nattou and Light tried to not think about the derogatory procedure while eating. “To be frank, I just wanted to know why you are in such a bad mood, Light-kun. Normally you make sure to hide your emotions.” 

 

While Light was thinking about how to answer the underlying question, he continued eating automatically. By now L’s, as well as his, movements seemed to have synchronized in a way that neither of them had to think about it any longer. “The confinement is physically more straining than I would have thought,” Light opened up his justification. “But more than that I am worried about Misa because I haven’t heard anything from her since you imprisoned her. And for sure my father must also be enormously stressed now because I am in this position as a main suspect.”

 

During Light’s speech, L had devoured half of the green mochi on top of the pyramid. “Yagami Light is a compassionate person who always thinks about others first and himself second,” the detective mused with inept sentimentality in his voice before his tone changed rapidly. “For a moment, I thought you just disliked being fed by me because you are too conceited to accept such treatment.” Ryuuzaki wolfed down the second half of his matcha mochi and wiped away the powdery starch on his fingertips. 

 

Light could not help  but think about the fact that every year many of Japanese people suffocated by mochi. “From time to time being a bit more polite would make things easier, you know? You don’t have to say everything aloud, especially if it does not lead anywhere.”

 

Ryuuzaki did not stop holding nattou right in front of Light’s face, and he himself did not stop to eat — if only to prove that the detective’s assumption was absolutely unjustified. Completely unimpressed Ryuuzaki continued: “In a language I learned some time ago, they had an interesting proverb. What was it…? ‘Beaten dogs bark.’ ” 

 

Had it been Misa’s turn yesterday to be degraded to the level of a dog? It was now Light who got that treatment. “You seem to be especially fond of dogs, Ryuuzaki,” Light replied with a  soft smile and dangerously silken voice.

 

“ ‘Quod erat demonstrandum.’ And they also told me to ‘let sleeping dogs lie.’ But who ever said anything about fondness? Unless  they are on a leash, I would not dare to come close. I am not suicidal, you know?” 

 

Despite his words, L  _ definitely _ had to be suicidal. Otherwise, he would not have dared to direct such blasphemic words at a God who would surely never forget …  and for now could not do anything else but let that heretic shove the last piece of breakfast into his mouth.  

 

“We’ve still got time before the task force arrives,” said Ryuuzaki in between two mochi that would still not get stuck in his throat. “I brought a toothbrush for you.”

 

Light knew precisely there was a disastrous discussion about to unfold. Yet, he felt unable to change anything about the course of events. “My hands are still tied behind my back. If you could at least tie them in front of my body, I could brush my teeth. I could also eat on my own.” He knew that Ryuuzaki was well aware of all that, and Light also knew that L would now come up with some nonsensical argument that would only be a very lackadaisical justification.

 

Another mochi found its way into Ryuuzaki’s mouth and left his words rather slurred. “The possibility of an attack by a prisoner is 43.78% higher if his hands are tied in front of his body, the possibility of him trying to escape is even 67.59% higher.” 

 

Light himself was 100% sure that the detective had come up with these numbers on the spot. He tried to speak in a subtly contemtouous tone to hide his growing impatience. “Do you honestly believe I might attack you or try to escape?”

 

“Judging the way you look at me sometimes, I can imagine you attacking me pretty vividly.” L’s voice again turned emotionless, as if this fact had nothing to do with himself. He ate his last mochi. Maybe the pink ones were not cherry blossom but strawberry flavoured.

 

Light shook his head, still impatient. “Then how exactly am I supposed to brush my teeth, in your opinion?” He already knew the answer but what else could he say?

 

“We can handle it just like eating. Just let me — ”

 

“No!” Before L could even end his sentence, terrifying images had manifested in Light’s head. Said images were astoundingly creative and very detailed. Vividly he pictured his head resting in Ryuuzaki’s arms; he remembered his mother doing it this way with Sayu before she went to preschool. Most likely L would be quite cautious, their faces close. So close that the tips of Ryuuzaki’s hair would undoubtedly brush Light’s face and he would know whether it really was as soft as it looked. He would also find out about his scent, presumably a mixture of tea and sweats. Ryuuzaki had a lot of talents and Light did not doubt he would be careful as well as cautious when shoving it into his mouth, gently and—

 

“Are you okay, Light-kun? You suddenly blushed. You didn’t choke on your nattou, did you? I heard it has a considerable suffocation hazard.”

 

“No!” He blurted out a second time because Ryuuzaki would never shove anything into his mouth, no matter how gently. “I mean—yes! Yes, I’m fine! And no, I did not choke on my nattou!”

 

“So, what about brushing your teeth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I: “Mom? Could you do me a little favour?”  
> Mom: “Oh dear… what is it?”  
> I: “Could you tie my hands behind my back? Neatly tight? And the feet as well?  
> Mom: “Alright… has your sexlife become boring over the years?”  
> I: “It’s research, mom! For my story.”  
> Mom: “I was afraid you’d say that… What exactly are you writing?”  
> I: “Uhm, well, you know…”


	3. 3. Doubt

_ Day 2, evening _

They eventually came to the agreement of Light taking an oral care chewing gum. He had now been chewing it for several hours and tried to be careful so he would not bite his tongue. He tried to imagine how the Kira task force members sat in front of a computer screen watching Light doing absolutely nothing. The thought would have been amusing if L had not thrown him off balance with his constant provocations. Now even the prospect of his glorious victory could not satisfy him.

 

Why was it that the detective could aggravate his favorite suspect with such ease when vice versa, Light had not found any gaps in L’s guard for him to at least land a counter strike once?

In other respects, it was so easy for Light to evade any kind of attack; his slick masquerade normally had his opponent’s attacking in the wrong direction. But now that exact masquerade had become a problem — Ryuuzaki was not only able to see through it easily but also use it against him, since Light had forbidden himself to speak his mind.

 

The static buzzing within the cell seemed to have become a part of Light. He had internalized it so much that his brain seemed to have synchronized to the almost subliminal sound. Ryuuk was gone most of the time as he had a fair amount of freedom to roam around as he pleased, even with Light being suck here. Nobody could blame him for making the most out of it — his only reason for coming to the human world had been boredom after all. And there was no place more boring than this cell. In the meantime, Light would have been glad to hear Ryuuk’s constant complaints or begging for apples. It was even hard to not start talking to himself just to hear a human voice. But he did not intend to show such mental weakness — not on his second day.

 

The only things that suggested any kind of daily rhythm were the meals and with them Ryuuzaki’s visits. No matter how much Light resented him for his spot-on teasing, it was the only thing to look forward to. 

 

Multiple times he believed he heard the squeak of the iron door only to realize it was nothing but his own imagination. He wondered whether Misa was able to endure this situation. She was not the kind of person that was able to be alone for more than a few hours. Should her confinement go on for too long, it was absolutely possible that she would suffer permanent psychological trauma. If that happened, Rem would never forgive Light — which implied an unavoidable, probably rather painful death.

 

The door creaked again and Light expected it to be yet another acoustic hallucination but this time he was not mistaken. 

 

Today's dish was tempura, vegetables and fish on top of rice and of course some soy sauce. Ryuuzaki would probably be the one eating the majuu on the plate next to the bowl — at least Light was pretty sure the sweets were not meant for himself.

 

“The xylitol in that chewing gum should have lost its effect a long time ago. You do not have to chew it that long.” Ryuuzaki placed the tray next to Light on the cot and held his hand out towards him. 

 

Light looked into his face with confusion.

 

L looked back back at him with impassivity.

 

Then Light figured out that Ryuuzaki in all seriousness expected that he handed the chewing gum over so that it could be thrown away. Was that bastard grinning? Of course not. It was just Light’s growing tension playing a trick on his mind. He decided to ignore the hand and tried to stand up. However, the shackles on his ankles were so tight he was nearly unable to move or stretch even a tiny bit. Even the short way to the toilet was painful and took forever because he could barely move his feet. Now he felt the full impact of neglecting his muscles that badly. While trying to get into a sitting position, a malicious pain gripped his upper leg. With a suppressed gasp, he fell forward and would have hit the floor if Ryuuzaki’s hand at his chest had not stopped him. The excruciating burn would not stop, and Light had so little control over his own body, he had to shift his whole weight onto his opponent. His breath was heavy and the pain sent hot waves all through his body. 

 

“Don’t overdo it.” Ryuuzaki’s voice was quiet, almost caring. 

 

Light let himself get carried away for a moment and rested his head on the other man’s shoulder. The fabric of L’s shirt was thin and he could feel the warmth underneath. He smelled like sweet black tea indeed. 

 

When Light lifted his head, he fell backwards onto the cot — he ended exactly where he had started. The only difference was his breath and heartbeat now were uncomfortably loud. Certainly that was just an effect of the pain. 

 

Once again, L held his hand out towards him.

 

Maybe Light’s physical arousal was only that high because he was angry. “It is fine. I accidently swallowed it.” Nothing could be further from the truth than calling it an accident.

 

The tempura pieces were too big to eat all at once. Ryuuzaki held a fried shrimp in place and Light took a bite. 

 

“I brought something for you,” L started of.

 

Light did not want to know what it was—the toothbrush topic was still way to present in his mind. Therefore, he continued eating in silence without even looking at his opponent. 

 

“We cannot be sure how long you will have to stay confined. I can imagine it would be important to you to satisfy some basic needs. That is why I got you a clean shirt.”

 

Light still continued to chew a bit of rice without showing a single emotion show on his face.

 

“I intended to give you one of mine, but then I reconsidered. Probably you would prefer another black one.” For one moment Ryuuzaki forgot the food in front of him and stared into nothingness absentmindedly. As if the colour of Light’s clothes inside this isolated cell was of great significance. “And it is a beautiful contrast when you are wearing black.”

 

Light clenched his teeth. “I hope you also brought some scissors, a needle and some thread—since you will have to cut me out of the old shirt and sew me into the new one.” His words had not sounded as dry as he had wished them to be.

 

L turned his head towards him, honest astonishment on his face. “That is the first time I hear Yagami Light joking. Up until this point, I believed he was completely humourless because he takes himself way too seriously.”

 

“The food, Ryuuzaki,” said Light in a cold voice. 

 

L grabbed a piece of fried pumpkin with the chopsticks but held it too far away for Light to reach. “However, your suggestion was pretty absurd. It would be much easier to change clothes like any normal human being.”

 

“The shackles.” Light leaned further forward, but he still had no chance of reaching the pumpkin.

 

L observed his actions with blatant interest. “Well, we would have to remove them for a moment. But I think that should not be a problem as long as I was in the same room.”

 

Light stopped all of his efforts. “No… problem? As long as you are in the same room?” He straightened his back and lifted his chin. “If you want to insult me, why don’t you try to be a little more inventive and subtle? It’s getting old, you know?”

 

With a slight reflection of melancholia on his face, L looked down at the sparse concrete floor of the cell. It felt like he no longer wanted to look into his prisoner’s eyes. “Compared to all my current captives, Yagami Light is by far the one with the best conditions of imprisonment. He was the one to decide for himself to be in this place. But still, he is also the one who feels most personally attacked by the detention. Much more than the other two prisoners.”

 

The last three words lingered with Light. He felt their significance weighing down on his body. Of course one of the other prisoners was Misa, but the third one? L had limited the number of suspects down to such a small circle that Light had to know said person. The only ones to be in line for it were the members of the task force. But if it was one of the men whose name’s he did not even know, the detective would not have bothered to give him this information. The only condition under which it made sense for L to tell Light he was holding one more person captive was to trigger a reaction. And therefore the third prisoner could not be anyone else than Light’s own father. 

 

For one moment, the sudden realization took away all words Light could have said.

 

Why should they imprison his father? It was obvious that his psychological and moral constitution was absolutely unsuitable for being Kira or even just one of his supporters. Ryuuzaki should know that much as well. Thus, there could only be one reason why he was held captive. 

 

Now it was Light’s turn to lower his head. “My father asked you to lock him up. How is he?”

 

L’s voice was not showing any emotion. “Light-kun’s apprehension is as fast as usual. Nevertheless, I cannot give you any information about the investigation’s progress as long —”

 

“Dammit!” Had Light not been restricted in his movements, the detective’s prediction might very well have been come true. Light would have attacked him; grabbing him by the collar and shaking him until he would have got a satisfying answer. “Ryuuzaki, this is  _ my father _ we are talking about! You do have a reason for telling me he is sitting nearby in a cell! I want to know whether he is alright!”

 

Now L directed his attention towards him, but still it was nearly impossible to detect what was going on with him. His expression remained controlled — but not calm. Light now recognized the tiny difference that must appear on his own face so often. “He is in a bad state. What do you expect? Unlike his son, Yagami-san is suffering. You know why this is the case, don’t you?”

 

Light should have been expecting this development, one common thread his father always fell back on was his strict moral compass that lead him through life. This made him extremely predictable, maybe too much so. Light should have known that. He knew what Ryuuzaki hinted at, even if he himself would have preferred to leave it unspoken. But such insincerity would have been easy to see though, which would leave him at a disadvantage. “He has doubts”, he answered quietly.

 

“This is correct. Differing from Light-kun and Amane Misa, Yagami-san does not suffer because he is confined. Instead, he locked himself up because he fears the truths of the outside world. Nobody else is in such pain because he is the only one doubting. Why he differs from the two of you on that point is the fact that he is the only one who does not know the truth.” Strangely, Ryuuzaki seemed to not only deduce — behind a transparent mask of logic, sympathy for Yagami Soichiro shined through. 

 

“What truth are you even talking about?” Light’s reply did not make sense but he could neither come up with something different nor look his opponent in the eyes.

  
  


“Amane Misa feels agony as well and that is connecting her and Yagami-san, but differentiates her from Light-kun. Meanwhile, I believe I understand why that is the case. There are a lot of different kinds of pain, but true suffering has one mandatory requirement.” Ryuuzaki’s eyes pierced the one’s of his captive. Either a silent accusation laid within them or Light projected his own feelings of guilt onto the other man. “They suffer because they love. One condition cannot happen without the other, and doubt is the mediator in-between. And this is the reason why Light-kun has the best detention conditions.”

 

Had Ryuuzaki told him all of this to unfold his intents? Had he told Light about his father’s imprisonment because he knew Light loved him and would suffer knowing about it? Was it simple, psychological warfare? But why would he have said all the other things then — would it not have been enough to share the information without an explanation?

 

At first these mind games had been nothing more but a slight annoyance. Now however, everything had greatly changed . Light’s voice was lacking any expression when he came to his conclusion. “So Ryuuzaki wants to tell me that he thinks I am not capable of love, and therefore not capable of doubt or suffering.”

 

L now had his back turned toward his main suspect, whilst Light was now the one cowering on his bed, his knees close to his chest and his head lowered. He tried to find out whether L’s suspicion, that Light may be a psychopath, was the cause of his internal struggle or the fact that he was indeed not one. 

 

In the end, it was all Ryuuzaki’s fault. 

 

Soichiro would not be in such a terrible state now, if L had never commenced his investigations. A lot of innocent lives would have been spared if L had not started a revolt against Kira. It was  his fault alone. It was impossible that Light himself with his decisions also.... “Ryuuzaki. You seem to be well versed in the subject.” Light lifted his head, but his gaze stayed fixed to the ground. “At first glance, one would guess you are unable to sympathize with others. But that is wrong. You seem to be well-educated when it comes to doubts and pain.”

 

Ryuuzaki did not turn around. He let his prisoner go on talking, maybe because he had nothing to say himself, or maybe  he hoped to gain insight from his words. 

 

“Sometimes,” Light explained with a soft voice, “the manner in which we talk about other people says more about ourselves than about the person we are trying to describe. So, if Ryuuzaki believes love mostly brings pain and doubt, what does that say about himself?” Now, finally, he managed to look at L. His physique was even more bent than usual. He seemed twisted and deformed like a bird whose wings had been cut a long time ago. “It is relieving to see you are honestly worried about my father. He is a good person. A good father. Everybody needs parents who love them, otherwise…”

 

“Are you done yet?” Ryuuzaki cut off his words harshly. “I still have other prisoners to interrogate.”

 

The understanding smile that laid on Light’s face nearly hid the dizzying triumph underneath. “What about the meal? Didn’t you say you will not allow us to eat too little?”

 

With visible reluctance Ryuuzaki returned to Light. The movements of the chopsticks were hastier than usual, but nevertheless efficient.

 

Light continued eating particularly slowly. Between each bite he took a lot of time to elaborate his thoughts. “I often wondered why you would insist so adamantly that I had to be Kira. I believe you got wound up in an ideal image you had of how the culprit should be like and as a consequence excluded all alternatives because of narrow-mindedness. You haven’t liked the idea of Misa being the offender from the beginning because you think she is boring.” Now it was Light’s turn to fixate on his opponent. “I also wondered whether you often work so close together with outsiders, like now with the Japanese task force. Did you suspect me before or just after you got to know my father?” The last piece of tempura was not only cold, it also tasted of stale grease. The manjuu were long forgotten.

 

L put the tray aside and took out a new, black shirt that was no different from Light's old one. “If you claim our descriptions of other people say more about ourselves than anything else, then I would like to know why you are dating Amane if you find her to be so boring. Turn around.”

 

Light followed the instruction so that Ryuuzaki could uncuff his arms. A quiet clicking sound followed. His arms were free. For at least a moment Light wanted to move them to his sides, but they felt so numb he could not even move them. When his nerves started to function again, the pain was so much worse than what he felt before in his legs. He hissed and felt his eyes tearing up. Luckily he did not face the detective, so there was a chance of him not noticing it.

 

“Light-kun must have had a comfortable life up until now,” he heard Ryuuzaki’s voice from behind. “A loving family, the best grades, no problems to make people like him or find beautiful girlfriends.”

 

Light hoped the pain would not show in is voice, but quickly realized he completely failed to hide it. “If I did not know better, I would assume you are jealous.”

 

“One can learn from new experiences. If you are actually innocent, maybe you will gain something for your life in the future,” Ryuuzaki said callously. “If Yagami Light only knew how to endure misery, he would not see the need to anxiously eliminate any discomfort beforehand.”

 

Light would never be able to convince L that he was not Kira. There was no other option but to kill him because he would stick to this idea no matter what. Every single sentence out of his mouth was proof enough of that.

  
  


“You have to take off the old shirt to change into the new one,” Ryuuzaki said, even if the remark was completely superfluous.

 

Light tried. The pain had diminished, but still, even little movements hurt. His hands shook when he tried to raise them. It felt as if a drill had pierced his shoulder blade. His feeble arms fell back into their original place. He hated his own weakness, even if it was was only physical. Kira’s strength, his force, was of ideological and intellectual nature. He should not have been bound to a useless body that limited him and made him vulnerable. 

 

Light felt L’s gaze on his neck. Still, he was not ready to turn around. The detective did not say a word. He just waited. Waited for Kira to beg his enemy for help. Waited for  _ Light _ to do so. 

 

Light clenched his teeth as if that could hinder the unwanted words to cross his lips. He tried to lift his arm once again, but the result was even worse, and he heard a pained moan like the voice of a stranger. “That… won’t be... necessary… today.”

 

The bed tilted slightly as Ryuuzaki stood up behind him. With a few steps he stood in front of him and saw down on Light. “It is no shame to acknowledge your own weakness — except when you try to pretend to be perfect. But whoever would be stupid enough to try that?” L groped Light’s hands which were still hanging beside him like useless alien objects. Without hesitation Ryuuzaki lifted them. 

 

Unspeakable pain took Light’s breath away. He emitted a stifled cry. Lightning bolts of wrath raged in front of his eyes and threatened to rob him of consciousness. But he refused to give into it. Under no circumstances would he allow himself to become that helpless. The feeling was so intense he did not even notice how L took off his shirt as if he had practiced these motions with another person. Shivering from pain and helplessness, Light looked up into his enemy's face. He swore to himself that in the seconds of L’s death he would look down on him in the exact same manner. He felt naked as well as unprotected in a way that had nothing to do with him wearing no shirt. Well, at least, it had little to do with it.

 

“In any religion,” L started to lecture seemingly without context, “there are punishments for blasphemy. Humans cling to that belief even today. I wonder why that is — heretics are never being struck by lightning. What actually happens is…” He took the clean shirt. “... absolutely nothing.” A slight hint of mocking laid on his lips. “Maybe it is just that there have never been any gods in the first place and never will come into existence.”

 

“What are you even talking about? I have no idea why you started with this now,” said Light mechanically, although Kira understood the connection very well. 

 

A second time, L took Light’s hands to move them above his head. This time the pain was much more bearable, much like having sore muscles. Almost caringly, Ryuuzaki pulled the shirt over his arms and put the sleeves in place. Light could feel the fleeting sensation of his fingers brushing the sensible skin of his back. Begrudgingly, Light felt a shiver running down his neck. 

 

His mind had no problem to properly classify that sensation: a heightened physiological level of arousal, caused by the painful treatment that was easy to confuse for different emotions by a deprived ape brain that all humans suffered from. 

 

But this knowledge did not help. The sensation stayed.

  
“My thoughts tend to be a bit disjointed from time to time,” Ryuuzaki said. “Could you now please put your hands on your back again? I have to get the handcuffs back into place.”


	4. Cold

_ Day 3, morning _

 

Ryuuzaki’s last visit must have taken place in late evening. But still, sleep did not find Light that night. The reason was not the neon light that never went off for a single second, he had not even tried. Instead, he sat inert in the same spot he had not moved from the whole first day of the confinement. Only his gaze had moved. Yesterday, he had stared straight ahead, past the iron bars onto the wall on the other side into nothingness. But now, his eyes —hidden behind long strands of hair hanging in his face and not visible to the spectators— were fixed on the red light of the surveillance camera.

 

Since he had found the Death Note, the feeling of being watched had become familiar to him. But this time, it was different. Now, he knew Ryuuzaki and believed he could feel his gaze like a warm breath in his neck. He could not imagine the detective ever slept, or even let his eyes off Light, no matter what happened. By this time, he doubted that L would have given up on observing Light, even if he really had not been Kira. 

 

He kept on expecting to hear Ryuuzaki’s voice any minute now. He would even have been glad to hear it just to not be forced to wait any longer. But everything remained silent.

 

Obviously, the emptiness started to wear on his nerves. In a desperate attempt to continue functioning, his brain clung to the only human contact he would have in a while. His thoughts wandered off to his father, who might be suffering only a few meters away. Light wished he could take the burden off his father’s shoulders by proving his innocence. In a pinch, he would bend the facts so much that it formed a sphere to protect them from all accusations, dissecting the concept of truth until it unraveled into its components and convinced even Light himself that he was, in fact, innocent.  

 

Feverishly, Light searched for L’s face as he finally, after hours on end of dull emptiness, heard the sound of an opening door. “Ryuuzaki.” In all that time, he had come up with so many things he wanted to talk about that now he did not know where to start. “I could not get the topic you mentioned yesterday out of my head. Heretics, who are never punished for their blasphemy.” The words were so hastily spoken it was as if he feared L would interrupt him. But of course, that was not the case. “I think you made a logical mistake. Whoever said that a higher being, be it a god or something else, had to follow the logic of humans? That the punishment had to follow the crime immediately? If He is almighty, it’s on Him alone to decide on the point in time and the extent of the sentence.”

 

“Like Kira is able to decide freely on the time of death?” asked L.

 

Light noticed his trail of thoughts got more and more hazy, but ignored Ryuuzaki’s question to follow what seemed like a coherent argument to him. “If the condition for suffering really is love, could not only true believers in a god’s love be punished then anyway? But that in return would mean that any given god would have to be a cruel one, because He only ever has influence on the humans that already submitted to him.”

 

Had the circles under L’s eyes become even darker or was Light again just projecting his own miserable state onto the other?

 

Agitatedly, he waited for an answer that did not come. Ryuuzaki placed the tray on the bed as usual without sitting down himself. Instead, he kneeled in front of his captive and stared into his eyes with a sort of scientific curiosity. “It seems as if Light-kun again did not sleep this night. Is your vision blurred? Are you cold? Do you see things that are not supposed to be in this room? Do you hear voices?”

 

Light looked up at him in bewilderment. Actually, he did hear a voice —Ryuuk seemed to be terrifyingly amused by the situation and could not stop laughing. Light wondered whether Ryuuzaki had, once again, just tried to insult him or whether he was evading the topics Light had brought up. “Why are you asking these questions?”

 

“Light-kun’s line of thought seems unusually disjointed today. Sleep deprivation can lead to death in the long run. If you keep having trouble falling asleep, it might be necessary to administer a sleeping aid to you.” Ryuuzaki checked Light’s face as if he feared the obvious fatigue was fake, like maybe it was a trap he could not yet grasp. 

 

Light blinked and his eyelids were heavier than usual. “I thought that was the whole reasoning behind this set-up, to wear me out until I confess. Wasn’t that the reason for hindering me from sleeping? And yet, confessions through torture are nearly always useless. They are mostly suggested by the interrogator himself and —”

 

L interrupted his monologue. “I hinder you from sleeping?” His voice seemed a bit younger and also a bit confused.

 

The fact that this confusion was so obviously real and not an act irritated Light. “You do not even dim the lights at night. My sleep-wake rhythm is completely distorted. And just after dinner you told me my father is confined and suffers terribly. How could you expect me to sleep? Are you honestly trying to convince me that your behavior was unintentional?”

 

Ryuuzaki was seriously puzzled. His lips were ajar, which Light was only able to notice because he was so close. “Of course, that is what it must look like to you.”

 

Light tried to understand why on earth L seemed so irritated. 

 

“The camera uses infrared technology. I will switch the lights off tonight. I was thoughtless.” Almost as if he was in a hurry, Ryuuzaki got up and looked at the food on the tray.

 

“Are you really trying to tell me you forgot that humans have trouble falling asleep under constant neon lights? I’m not hungry.”

 

L concentrated solely on the meal. Again, it was nattou for breakfast. “That is a common adverse reaction of sleep deprivation, exactly like voracious appetite.” With one hand Ryuuzaki held the chopsticks with Light’s nattou, the other divided the kuzumochi with a spoon for himself. 

 

It was not like him to evade a confrontation. Not answering Light’s question could only mean that L had actually forgotten about it. A small part of Light was eager to use this fascinating, newly discovered information for his advantage. On the one hand, he was too tired right now, on the other hand though, he was just plain curious. Lost in thought Light observed the kuzumochi vanishing in an astonishing speed. Did the detective sleep with the lights switched on? Did it not make a difference to him? Maybe because he was in a constant state of fatigue he did not mind it, or maybe he had just gotten used to being tired all of the time. Or he was afraid of the dark. That, however, was a pretty absurd thought that Light’s brain probably just came up with because of the sleep deprivation. 

 

“Nevertheless, you have to eat.”

 

Light had almost forgotten about the breakfast and now started again to eat from L’s hand halfheartedly, part of it being long drilled conscientiousness, part being habitualness. “You are probably right about accusing me of complaining too much about the confinement conditions. I’m not in the position to do so.” Once again, Light nearly forgot to eat. “I would just like to ask you to treat my father as good as he deserves it.”

 

L, too, did not seem to be in the mood for verbal attacks. Instead, he looked to be inert and withdrawn into himself. “He is free to go anytime he pleases. Furthermore, Watari takes care of his well-being. He is better suited for caring for other people than I am. I have the deepest respect for Yagami-san.”

 

Light was surprised to hear the word ‘respect’ from his mouth. So far, he would not have believed that L knew this concept on a more than theoretical basis. His thoughts got stuck on Watari’s name that he so far only knew from the investigation records of his father he had hacked into. Therefore he was astounded that L had brought him up. “Does Watari prepare the food?” Light tried to keep the question vague on purpose because Ryuuzaki’s words hinted at the fact that Watari was much more than a henchman, contact person or investigation partner.

 

“Among others.” The answer was just as vague as the question had been. That might imply that Watari as well as other people were taking care of the food. Or that Watari was preparing food as well as taking care of much more important tasks.

 

“Offer my thanks to him—even if it is not necessary to do so any more. Certainly others have already told him he is excellent in taking care of people.” Light smiled and for a moment he believed to see a short glimpse of terror in Ryuuzaki’s eyes. 

 

When yesterday’s conversation touched upon Soichiro, L had tried to avoid the topic by all means, and now Light was seeing a similar reaction. An overwhelming sadness hold Light in his grasp. The detective understood the same concept Kira had comprehended a long time ago: closely associating with other people makes one weak and vulnerable. If one was not willing to uncompromisingly treat them like everybody else; if one was not willing to sacrifice them, he endangers himself and and ultimately your goals and ideals. And that was why Ryuuzaki did not want to talk about the people important to him. Maybe it was also the reason he did not allow anybody to come close. “It has to be lonely,” Light said almost involuntarily. “If you constantly travel the whole world, it will surely be hard to get to know like-minded people. Because there is no place you could call home.”

 

L offered him another bit of nattou. “Doesn’t ‘home’ really consist of the people you feel familiar with, no matter in which place you are? Only if nobody knows your true self, if you have to put on an act for everybody, only then you are actually lonely.”

 

Ryuuzaki’s words went against all of what Light wanted to believe in. If he had been able to, he would have thrown thousands of arguments against his counterpart. However, at the moment, he could not come up with a single one. “I really am cold. This has to be one of the symptoms of fatigue you have been talking about.” Breakfast dragged on like never before. Both their movements were lethargic, so slow it felt as if the theory of relativity was trying to prove its influence. And yet, said theory only postulated the relativity of time is dependent upon the state of motion of its spectators, which meant that in a moment of complete bilateral standstill L, as well as Light, should view time in a similar fashion. Once more, Light’s thoughts unraveled and got lost in fragments that had carved their way into his memories. “Have you ever heard of Cygnus X-1?” he mumbled.

 

“Rudimentary.” The answer was spoken monotonously, but the unabated interest that was so characteristic for L was still there. “If I am not mistaken it is a double star system within the constellation Cygnus. Why do you ask about it?”

 

“What is remarkable about Cygnus X-1 is neither the fact that it is a double star system nor its intense luminosity. Thanks to this constellation, science could prove the existence of black holes for the first time. Despite their massive destructive power, it is difficult to verify black holes. Not until they start to devour other objects can you actually recognize them. Within Cygnus X-1, a star orbits in a close distance around a black hole, and this black hole deprives the star of its mass and consumes its light with growing velocity. Certainly the lifespan of the star could be huge, if only the black hole was not gradually withdrawing all its energy. So, despite the high luminosity of that star, one day there will nothing be left of it, while the black hole will remain unchanged.”

 

“Is that so? I just wonder what the black hole will do if it can neither rotate around the star nor devour it,” asked L. Light believed he heard melancholy in Ryuuzaki’s words.

 

“Maybe it will wander through the darkness of the universe adrift and without a goal to destroy everything that comes close to it.”

 

A smile crept up on Ryuuzaki’s face. “It was just yesterday you claimed  _ my _ thoughts were disjointed.”

 

Light flinched at the sudden realization of what he had been saying. “You are right. I am sorry. I should really try to sleep.”

 

Although there was still half of the breakfast left, L seemed satisfied. “Yes. I should go. The investigation team will arrive soon.”

 

Ryuuzaki turned around to leave and nearly reached the door, when suddenly fear assailed Light. Loneliness kept creeping so close that he could smell it like cold sweat. “Ryuuzaki!”

 

L turned around, his face unreadable.

 

Light’s hands shivered from fear as well as the cold. He tried to calm his breath but it was obvious that he had failed.

 

“Yes?” L asked calmly.

 

Light swallowed hard. “It- it is... nothing.” He lowered his eyes because he feared Ryuuzaki might read his thoughts all too easily. 

 

The heavy metal door fell shut and the panic that Light had suppressed so painstakingly now took a toll on him. He calculated the minutes and seconds up to the next meal, but now he had tremendous difficulties with the simple arithmetic operation and its result: approximated infinity.

 

Ryuuk glared down on him in calm as if he denied Light his usual words out of pure malice. Light stared up into the red eyes of the shinigami like he did before with the light of the surveillance camera and wondered what Ryuuk saw. A concatenation of numbers hovering above the head of a restrained boy that was constantly decreasing. An unforgivable waste of valuable life time that he should have spent as effective as possible. For Light, the waste of life time was a crime against society, and at the moment he was everything but sure whether the ends justified the investment in his case.

 

Silence had him in its claws once again and would not let go of him until L showed mercy to release him from its iron grip.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to give a shout-out to a friend of mine who majors in physics and doublechecked whether I made mistakes in all that physics and astronomy talk. It was fascinating research for me. 
> 
> But please be assured the next chapter will not be that… heavy? ^_^’’ I’m really sorry. Next time you’ll get less relativity theory and more strawberries.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my lovely Beta ladies who fix my fucked up, broken English: Strifenhart and sprosslee. <3


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